Friday the 13th (2009)

To think, we almost went to New Zealand to see this.

Ghastly, just ghastly. I expected so much, You may wonder why, but the Texas Chain Saw remake was so good, I figured Marcus Nispel, of all people, was the right man to do justice to Jason's legacy.

Man, was I wrong.

This is a hodge-podge of best-of moments from the Friday series, all held together by the loosest and lamest of plots. It turns Jason into a monster, when I always saw him as a misunderstood little boy bent on revenge because that's all he knew. Here, he's not a boy driven by the love for his mother, but a looming ghost just waiting in the wings for teens to knock off. Any old teens, and anyone else who might happen by the broken down Camp Crystal Lake.

Now, why didn't they remake it the proper way, with new campers going to the lake? Why make it some story of a kid finding his sister who was out a few weeks before and happened to stumble on the camp? That's just dumb. The camp atmosphere and fun was the best part of what made the eventual slaughterings so scary. The bright and cheerful kids in their bright and cheerful world just hacked and butchered. Here, we've got pot-smoking, boob-flashing, cussing and wanking fucking idiots who, umm, get killed. Well, good. I didn't want to see Alice and the counsellors hacked up, but these jerk-offs -- I couldn't wait.

So, someone missed the point. A lot of someones, including producer Sean S. Cunningham from the original who should be ashamed of himself.

Pluses? Some stupendous boobs. That's it.

.0001/5

Mirrors (2008)

It started out okay. But so did the Alamo. Had Kiefer Sutherland not been in this to brood and blink all over the place, I probably would have turned it off part way through. It just got lamer as it went on.

There's something in the mirrors that needs to find a girl who needs to fix some wrongs. Blah, blah, blah, blah. People die who have nothing to do with anything. Everyone thinks Kiefer is nuts, and I don't blame them. Until the mirrors start to get everyone! Oh no!

Eventually, the dumbest thing imaginable happens. And then it ends.

Pluses? Kiefer Sutherland could star in a documentary on cardboard boxes, that is silent, filmed in night vision, and three hours long, and I'd watch him. He is cool beans. And seeing Amy Smart rip her own chin off was pretty cool, too.

Choke (2008)

I am so happy this was good. I liked the book years ago, even though it reminded me a lot of Fight Club in terms of its theme. Still, it's the best Palahniuk since Fight Club and the only one I'd ever recommend. So, that it made a decent film makes me a bit fuzzy inside.

Sam Rockwell is perfect here. He's got that weary hotness about him, that makes you want to follow him, wash him, and fuck him all at once. He's just my favourite actor right now, and I can't wait to see Frost/Nixon because Sam just looks so great in the trailer.

I am super-impressed that Clark Gregg, the actor, wrote and directed this. It's a great adaptation, and it takes the story in new directions that weren't actually in the book that I ended up liking a whole lot better. It's just a smart movie. And smart movies are my favourite kinds of movies.

4/5

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People (2008)

Yeah, it was cute enough. It wasn't smack-down hilarious, and it shat me a few times with the pig thing and the dog getting killed, but I didn't hate it.

The DVD has a really long gag reel, which was cool.

It was okay.

Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder (2008)

The best of the lot, I thought.

Body of Lies (2008)

Wow, so long. I had no idea going in how long this film was. And I felt every minute.

Which isn't to say it was bad. It was just very long. And very same-y. There's always a hotshot cop who wants to make things right. There's always the sage in the office who has been broken by cynicism after years of seeing devastation and destruction is the political arena. There's always the young woman caught in the middle, the bad guys made good, the bad guys who are totally evil, and the American government ready to win as Act 3 closes in. I was reminded of Babel and Rendition and A Mighty Heart, and those other movies about people breaking down stereotypes while surrounded by them.

It was okay. And long.

The Wrestler (2008)